How to Go Faster

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How to Go Faster

The first thing you need to do is paint your boat red. Now, everyone knows that red boats go faster! But – there is a scientific reason for this. The Doeppler Effect and the shift it causes in the light spectrum is why red is faster.

The next thing to do is to construct your boat out of that indestructible material that plane manufacturers make “black boxes” from. You can then hit rocks, crossings, logs, kayaks and other boats with impunity and go fast.

The next thing is to inject helium into everything hollow. Do not worry that it’s prohibitively expensive – it is vitally necessary and will give you enough lift to make your boat 217 grams lighter.

Acceleration is the key and a 14″ propeller will “get you out of the hole” so fast you’ll get a crick in your neck. And you thought that this was an unscientific article!

Avoid hitting rocks, road crossings and anything else that breaks propellers, drive shafts, prop shafts and pinion gears. Stop waving at the spectators and look where you are going. These precautions will all help you go faster.

Foxtails. Yeh, foxtails – particularly if you have a Valiant. But as there are no Valiants racing a foxtail probably won’t make you go faster.

Stay upright. Keep the prop in the water. That’s right! The motor works better, too, if it’s not underwater. But, get that prop back in the water as fast as possible. Flick it back with your elbow.

Try to go straight. Euclidian geometry – straight lines and all that. If you try to go straight in a river you might come to grief – you have to follow the channels – but when you can go straight make sure your motor is driving you straight and you are not crabbing. This means that the tiller arm may not be straight. Check it out.

Do not eat for the two weeks prior to a race. This means that you will be able to eat for only two of the four weeks between races. Providing you don’t waste away and die you will lose 45% of your body weight and you will go faster. Unfortunately, you won’t have the strength to hang on to the tiller arm. Eat sensibly before the big race.

Count every gram because every gram counts. It’s these intelligent grams that will slow you down. They conspire with stale fuel.

Hooks are good for finding motors in the mud of the Swan River but are not so good in the bottom of your boat.

Boats are tougher than trees, right. Right? Avoid trees. Particularly those in the water. Although they can be useful to change direction quickly.

Five metre rooster tails look great. They LOOK great!

And, finally, ask a fellow racer.